How does it feel to have lost your mind? Does it feel empty up there where a brain used to be, or does it just give you more space to dream about what a great world it would be if Trump got another…
As it happens I have told one hundred people that I love you before I ever said it to you. Maybe I will tell 100 more, maybe you will never hear it, and maybe next time I say it everyone will have heard it but everyone will pretend they hadn’t. I am fine to love you with or without audience because my love needs little display. I can love you loudly and be just as content as loving you softly in quiet corners in every end the universe comes to. When I think now to summer I can say, currently, with certainty, that I will love you as the months grow warmer. I will love you when it gets cold again. I will love you every way we love people who are not together. I’ll love you in real and fake flowers, numbers, and time.
Tomorrow even when it is not valentines and the world is no longer pink, and we return to wish for spring I will still love you. I’ll love you on the least romantic days and probably more than on the romantic ones. I’ll love you in ordinary and occasional. I’ll love you if you never read a poem I write or if twenty years from now you see my name and still can’t remember my birthday. I will say that I don’t love you how we love partners and boyfriends, girlfriends alike. I love you individually with contradictions and complexities. I love you more than a friend, but less than a boyfriend. I love you in plaid and in skinny jeans.
I’ll love you on delayed subways and traffic jammed buses. I’ll love you from every train car home on the metro north. I’ll love you if you never feel the same. Maybe I don’t want to be together and maybe this love is small, but I love you within it and accept it, below and above. I will love you on every half day from work and on shortened lunch breaks. I’ll love you by water coolers and street corners. I cannot say forever, I cannot know, but I can say that in the forever of the 24 hour mind that I love you and will continue loving you on every Sunday to Saturday cycle. I’ll love you if you start loving football and I’ll love you if you suddenly cannot make north, south, east, west, directions. I’ll love you once every timer has gone off and even if you like earl grey tea, but I’ll be pretty upset if you do. I’ll love you in ridiculous voices and crocodile tears. I’ll love you if you really love her and for that reason can never really love me. I’ll love you in numbered days which seem to never stop coming and I will love you until the last laugh you ever have at one of my jokes. I’ll love you until you hate making me anxious. I’ll love you when the power goes out and we must sit in darkness until it comes back. I’ll love you in imagined scenarios and the dreamy real ones.
I will love you until every slice of cake is no longer guiltily taken. I will love you as the sprinkles on ice cream melt and make ugly colors until you cannot see the sprinkles any more. I’ll love you at the end of term and after every final I almost fail. I’ll love you all the miles I read plus all the miles you do. I’ll even love you in the tiny space in character between each letter and the spaces which give me a moment between words to think of you. I’ll love you in word, PDF, and google documents. I’ll love you until the last double A battery runs out and all the film has been developed. I’ll love you as stories end so I can have new ones and I’ll love you until the book is published.
Then maybe you can understand that beyond all poetics and crazy declarations that only time can tell how long I will love you and only I can show you just exactly the way I do. Because, as it happens, I love you in lowercase L without labels and phrases. I love you just the way you love anyone who comes to your life like you have come to mine. I love you how you care for friends and family, and how you tell them to get home safe. I love you in the blank template of uncertainty which says you really do not understand or know how you love anyone. Most importantly I love you in this scenario, with or without change and no dire need for either. I love you only maybe one step above like because even small love is real love, and even today can be forever.
I love you because right now you are here and I will love you for a little while after you are gone and even though I may not feel it forever it has been etched into days like today. I love you beyond explanation, change, or worry from you that love can ruin good things. Maybe, despite all the wish for happy endings, this will always be enough. I love you, even though to me, loving you doesn’t matter. Even though dates are had and kisses taken from people who are not you, even though the rules say I can’t, I will.
I love you how dramatic poetics cannot be untangled and real love can never be placed. I love you just as I could love anyone else at this pace.
I will probably love you tomorrow because I care about you, as my wonderful friend with just a little bit more. I love you how we love crushes who say we are cute and kisses they give us afterwards. Not in long term commitment, but week to week or hour to hour. Not in rings, but shared Chinese food and the possibility that after all this is over I can say that I had someone really great teach me that love does not require romance, commitment, or anything you don’t want inside it.
That is just the way my heart will work and continue on. Single by you or taken by someone who isn’t you, or single by someone who isn’t you then taken surprisingly by you. Even if forever is not our cards and we could never love each other the way that two people need love. I will love you as situations allow and if the timer counts down to a very real end then I will love you until that runs out. As a buzzer beater or landslide win. I will love you in the forever hope that if all does not happen I can always say that you were a very wonderful friend.
And I am glad that on the cold month of February in between each warming thought, I was able to love so clearly the way I do now. If you should think of me today, please don’t think that I will love you any other way. If, however, you should forget to think of me at all, I hope you had something just as nice as this love to think about .
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