I Spent 6 Years Trying To Heal My Depression And Then Returned With A Colorful Photography

It all started with a random picture in a random place that I can barely remember. Trying to pull myself together, I went places but the memories seemed to haunt me. I was feeling abandoned, frustrated, deceived, betrayed and manipulated.

I wonder if you can relate?

When I first realized I was in depression, I wasn’t in shocked. I was helpless. Speechless. I have no idea what am I supposed to do and what kind of sickness I got myself into. I did not inform any of my family members about what has happened in my life. Most of them time I feel burdened by the emotions I’ve been holding on, acting normal when every part of me are litterally broken. I hated the feeling of vulnerable, in which it makes me feel weak or a burden to my surroundings.

I begin to read more about depression, the symptoms, finding ways to be better until I finally get really sick of pretending to be okay. My emotion were unstable. I feel unworthy, and disconnected with almost everything. I made the rash decision in quiting my job. My family were dissapointed as I told them I quitted my job to pursue in photography — as if that was a sole reason. The day I resigned, pack and leave, my boss wanted to talk to me, but I shoved him off with my tantrum that he doesn’t even deserve, in which I regretted ‘till this day. I then preoccupied most of the time in my room with building my portfolio (it doesn’t succeed), spent outside at the street, in the garden, at the park, travelling and getting close to nature.

In the midst of this mess, I found peace in solitude when I’m alone photographed almost anything. From empty playground, to evening skies, witherd flowers to stranger on the streets, people who are alone, joyful kids playing broken chair…

Not too long ago I read a book written by Susan Sontag called ‘On Photography’. She wrote that photography is a tool to promote your nostalgia. Quote,

I used to love to record people’s emotions. Just like Susan wrote, slice out the moment and freeze it. Hence, I froze the moment of what I thought was the happiest time in my life. Old photos bring back a time, a place, and a life that are long gone. They remind you the people that are long gone. In my case, it was precisely why I’ve been struggling in letting go of a memory that it hurts my dignity. I remembered I was once heard a whisper that sounds similar like,

I wanted a change.

I spent almost 6 years trying to heal my depressions. In the process of self-healing, photography and getting closer to nature helped me a lot. I wouldn’t confidently say out loud that I am now totally healed. Depression is something that planted inside you and you need constant monitoring of your thoughts and emotions, and I have slowly got used to it. Maybe I am healed? Maybe I am not.

Que, Sera Sera…Whatever will be, will be.

I have now choose to see everything from a different, colorful perspective. I love things in colors and I am so grateful for my life at this very moment. I love to show you some of my favourite photographs from my series, “Quiet” and “Happiness, is Simple” into one compilations. I hope you will enjoy it.

Thank you very much for reading.

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