SOME NIGHTS

Some nights I work all through and have little or no time to sleep, well for one I have so many persons counting on me and I just cannot afford to fail and then I have very limited time to get things done.

Some nights I take pills to sleep, I forgot to mention that insomnia has been the only partner that has stayed with me for the longest time (well asides the constant voices in my head of course) and please don’t blame the regular coffee I take to stay awake, I told you I needed to work.

Some nights I stay awake doing absolutely nothing, numb and confused all at once, either because the pills have refused to work or i already ran out of them. I just get to stare at the nothingness filled around and inside me until morning.

Some nights I cry myself to bed, for too many reasons than I can say; maybe from all the tiredness and emptiness I feel or when I am totally unsure of what the morrow holds and the next step I need to take to get to where I need to be; for all the ones that fell in love with me and I could do nothing about, for the ones I love and I could do nothing about and for the ones I lost because I did nothing; maybe for gratitude, reminiscing on the places I’ve been and things I’ve had to go through; actually because I’m fed up and just want to quit but then I know I can’t.

Some nights I have not the strength to work, nor to take the pills, not even the strength to cry; for I have exhausted it all doing this same process and instead I sleep for longer hours than I should, maybe days or weeks or longer doing nothing but exist. This is probably the worst of them all because no one would ever imagine that I was anywhere below being fine.

Some nights? in real sense EVERY NIGHT.

Every night I am faced with either of these challenges, and I tell myself that even this would leave the same way everything and everyone did; but everything and everyone’s been here and never left, might have been physically absent, but I’m constantly haunted- so even this would always be here, just like the insomnia, and the voices and the pain and emptiness and all the persons that live in me all at once.

Every morning, I put on a smile like my coat of many colors and push through another day with the constant reminder that the night is coming closer just like winter. I ride the tide and know that even after the night, the morrow comes .

Every morning, the world sees me and wants to live and be like me. How else do I explain all I see at night without undermining the effect? Every morning, I say I’m fine when in fact I want to scream.

don’t worry about me, I’d be just fine. I always have been. even when the night comes, the sun would rise again and I’d try to live through the night, even when i want to be consumed by it and never see the sun.

Some nights I remember all the persons that needs me to be here and I hope I make it through the night.This isn’t every night- on rare nights I think about others and recognise my feelings, because I know the morrow would be for others and this night is all I ever own. for some nights, I quit and die, but then remember I said every night.

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