The Word You Need To Stop Using To Be More Productive and Happy

This word is common but unhelpful.

I’ve always placed expectations upon myself, usually ones enforced by society. I feel a need to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to feel a certain way, and more. Instead of feeling motivated or encouraged, I feel inadequate. Unhelpful thoughts run through my head on repeat, and they can sound like:

I know these thoughts are not only unhelpful but also harmful and inaccurate; however, I can’t always stop thinking of them or refute them easily. While they’re problematic in several ways, they all share one word I need to work on cutting out of my vocabulary to feel happier and be more productive:

Should.

My therapist once told me that the word “should” implies an unnecessary sense of shame. It makes us feel a guilt-induced need to do something that we don’t actually need to do. Instead of using the word “should,” she suggested phrases like “it may be helpful if” or “I feel a need/want to” or “would benefit me.” She also encouraged getting curious about why I feel like I “should” do something. From whom or where did that thought come from? What might that person or group’s reasoning be, and is that helpful or unhelpful?

And I have to admit, the phrases she suggested quickly felt much more comforting and appealing. Hearing them reminded me I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do. It reminded me that my mental illness voice, Herbert, is hurtful and wrong. It reminded me I’m a human who’s allowed to mess up and be imperfect, making mistakes and going against the grain.

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