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An Open Letter to Those Who Voted for Trump in the 2020 Election


I think I know what you were hoping for when you marked your ballot

Dear 80 Million Mindless Individuals,

How does it feel to have lost your mind? Does it feel empty up there where a brain used to be, or does it just give you more space to dream about what a great world it would be if Trump got another four years?

I think I know what you were hoping for when you marked your ballot. You wanted to vote in a guy who could handle any problem on the face of the earth while still playing golf. Someone who knew the difference between sexual harassment and sex because he had a lot of experience with both. You wanted a guy who would give a party at the drop of a nuclear bomb for despots like Putin and those Korean and Chinese rulers. I get that.

I guess you wanted someone who could hire and fire with ease because they’d done it so many times it was second nature to them. You wanted someone who would build a big wall between the USA and Mexico to protect us from all those crazy Mexicans and their recipes for tamales, salsa, chiles and enchiladas. I get that too.

You also wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to use a little hair dye and makeup so he’d look good on camera. After all, no one wants a leader that looks his age and appears haggard because he doesn’t take enough vacations. You want someone who could use cosmetic techniques like Botox to finesse his appearance and health protocols like bleach to get rid of petty pandemics like COVID. You wanted someone who wouldn’t listen to nit-picking scientists — that’s just so yesterday!

You wanted someone who would give pardons to his friends and relatives just because he could. Someone who loved to snuggle up with some popcorn and the t.v. for Fox marathons. Someone who could laugh off an insurrection as if it were just a bunch of college kids dressed up for a fraternity toga party.

You wanted a president who didn’t take everything like NATO and Iran’s nuclear armament so seriously but would entertain you with his wild rallies and unsubstantiated theories about global warming. You wanted someone who never read the constitution but made up his own rule…

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